Deepavali. Crackers. Fireworks.

From time immemorial – I mean circa mid-1990 CE of course – a propaganda against crackers (aka fireworks or pattasu, or as true bloods of Chennai say – dabbas) has been going around. Initially it was all about child labour and then it moved on to pollution and by the time it was 2014 CE, people started questioning whether it is mentioned in the scriptures etc.

The Crackerbans (see how I made those wanting a ban on crackers sounds like Talibans) who want a ban on crackers, talk about air pollution, noise pollution, the suffering of animals etc. Ardent defenders of bursting crackers quote a gazillion hymns and shlokas that have references to crackers and they also quote ancient books written circa 4^th Century CE as well. And then they always highlight the aspect of all such queries coming up only about rituals and practices related to Hindu festivals.

Let me also pitch in with my 10 paise in this debate.

You see, Deepavali is one Hindu festival wherein the religious element is quite less. As in, there is no elaborate poojai to be performed. The only possible stringent rule is that of taking an oil bath at 5 AM (or even earlier according to some) and then wearing new clothes. There is no rule for the neiyvedhiyam to be offered – any sweet and any snack is permitted. In any number of varieties; in any quantity. And therein lies the catch.

You are starting the day at an obscene time of 5 AM. And have an oil bath. This naturally invigorates you and what you see in front of you are a wide range of sweets and snacks. You start consuming them in excess. And you consume some more. And some more afterwards. So, basically, you have now consumed a high quantity of sugar and salt, and this in effect is a lot energy which has to be exhausted.

What can you do now? It is usually the winter season in North India and the rainy season in most parts of South India. The avenues to do physical work are reduced. And this is why the ancient folks created this activity of bursting crackers. To burst crackers, you have to bend down and up. You also have to move quickly after igniting the “thiri” (wick). You feel elated when the cracker works as expected. All this helps you burn the calories you have consumed.

Now comes the other important reason. As the earlier ramblings mentioned, you have consumed too much of high calorie food; Lots of oily items as well. Having consumed lots of sweets and savouries also gives you this satiated feeling, and due to weather conditions, you don’t drink that much water. In this scenario, it is but natural, that one starts developing flatulence inside their digestive tract.

Your gut is working the back channel to let this gas out of the body. It is also well known that the smell of the output is inversely proportional to the noise of the output. You can let go some gas quietly, it will clearly make it uncomfortable for all in the room; in fact, you even have to act as if you smell something and yet not be the first one to do so. To avoid all this drama, the better option is to let it out loudly. But this then takes the secrecy out of the equation. And the society is still not evolved to accept a loud fart as a socially acceptable bodily function; even within families to an extent.

This is why the elders devised this strategic method of bursting crackers. Imagine the same situation detailed above and there is a 1000-wala being burst by your neighbour. You can actually sync up your loud output to that sound and none would be the wiser; except you of course. And over the years of growing, you would be easily able to sync up your efforts with those bursting crackers in the next street as well.

So, you Crackerbans, please first fight for the rights of humans to fart in public and we will then think about not bursting crackers.